Five Rules for Adult Children Who Live With You

This may be every parent’s nightmare—your once successful 20 or 30-something kid now needs a place to live.  Adult children who have been out in the world need to return to the nest for a variety of reason: mental illness, drug addiction, job loss, relationship breakups, and other disasters.  Although each set of circumstances differs, parents should set certain rules when an adult child returns home. After all, the house, apartment, or yurt belongs to the parent. Mutually agreed-upon rules are the glue that keeps groups functioning, whether the group is a family, a government, or a multi-national corporation. Put more simply, rules like those below can make the difference between parental melt-down and a manageable situation.

Rule 1: Pay rent. You might think, “That’s why they returned home—they have no money.” That may be true, but most people can pay something, even if it’s only five dollars per month.  And if they have absolutely no income, people can get casual jobs such as lawn mowing, leaf-raking, snow-shoveling, dog-walking, and babysitting to provide enough to cover the nominal rent. If this type of work is not available, the parent can hire the kid for similar jobs.  But the bottom line is that living in the parental home as an adult should not be totally free.

Rule 2: Do chores. The tasks should be assigned and performed on a regular basis.  This could include taking out the garbage daily, putting out the cans on trash collection day, changing the cat box every other day, bringing in the mail daily, watering the plants twice a week, cooking dinner once a week, weekly grocery shopping, driving a parent to work or other appointments on a regular basis, and any other repeatable task.  The point is that the tasks should be regular, not sporadic. The parent should not have to ask the child to do them—they should be part of the daily or weekly routine.

Rule 3: Eat a meal. Parents should not have a ghost living in the home. It’s not good for anyone. Even someone living in the basement playing video games can emerge weekly to eat. It could be Sunday dinner, Wednesday pizza night, or Saturday noon brunch.  The important thing is that participating in the meal should be both regular and required.

Rule 4: Have a schedule. If adult children are not working, they still must do something.  They can volunteer, regularly visit an elderly neighbor or relative, go to AA meetings, take a class, get a part-time job, or find something else to do on a regular basis.

Rule 5: Do something with the parents regularly.  This could be a monthly trip to the movies, attending religious services, a weekly or monthly restaurant meal, a walk in the park, a shared gym membership, or something else done together.  It doesn’t have to be the same every month or week, but it should be something discussed and agreed-upon in advance. If parents and children dislike spending even minimal time together, they should not be living in the same home.


Although these rules won’t work for everyone all the time, it is important that parents try as many as possible.  It is perfectly reasonable to set rules for an adult child who returns to camp out in the parental home.  First, it sends the message that the parent expects the arrangement will be temporary. Second, it requires the child to contribute to the operation of the household.  Third, it could strengthen the relationship between parents and their adult children, making the forced association more enjoyable. Although home is where they always have to take you in, they don’t have to take you in entirely on your terms.  It should be a two-way street.

14 Signs You Are Living With an Old-Fashioned Guy

The past 40 years have changed many aspects of relationships between men and women.  However, some men have adapted unevenly to the new zeitgeist, producing mixed results in the domestic sphere. For example, does your man do these things in his efforts to be helpful?

1. He empties the dishwasher but leaves many dishes on the counter.
2.  He thriftily turns off every light but doesn’t close closet doors.
3.  He makes the bed by pulling up the covers, sort of.
4.  He tries to cook with mixed results.
5.  He does the laundry but leaves used tissues in the pockets.
6.  He weeds the flower beds but pulls up precious blooms.
7.  He recycles beer bottles but leaves the caps everywhere. 

However ...

1.  He opens doors. 
2. He removes his baseball cap.
3. He is kind to old ladies.
4. He is great with kids.
5.  He changes diapers. 
6. He enjoys crazy relatives.
7.  He shovels neighbors’ sidewalks.

In my view, the first seven are superficial and the second seven reflect core values. If it’s important to me, I can close the closet doors, make the bed, watch out for bottle caps underfoot and put the dishes away. However, I cannot force him to be nice to my odd relatives—he does that all by himself. A happy home life is often the result of deciding what really matters.